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A comedy about Homeland Security, nymphomania, and God.
Scared of dirty bombs? Weaponized anthrax? Benson sure is, and he's dedicated his company to eradicating these terrors from America.
After five years of research he’s finally done it. By mixing his medication with table salt, all people have to do is shake some on their food and voila! Instant protection from two of the greatest threats we face. They don’t have to rely on their instinct for self-preservation. They don’t have to do much of anything. Salting fries has become a patriotic act.
An hour before the product launch, Benson finds his dad unconscious, face down on a plate of deviled eggs, holding one of his salt shakers. It seems that his new Patriotic Salt has an unfortunate side effect, and Benson has less than an hour to figure out what’s wrong before the product is released to the public. M4, W2, plus a gospel choir. Single set. Developed at Last Frontier Theater Conference, 2006. Read at Cherry Lane Theatre/First Look Theater, 2006. MFA thesis reading, NYU/Tisch, 2005. |
BENSON There's no shred of life in his body! Nothing at all. And dear god, I'm the one responsible!
(He weeps.)
Go away. Can't you leave a man alone in his grief?
INSPECTOR TWIG I'm not a doctor, but I'm not sure how eating salt can kill a man.
(He handcuffs the body.)
BENSON What are you doing?
INSPECTOR TWIG I can't take your word for it. I'll take him down to the station, insert a feeding tube, and see what happens. We may be able to salvage enough of his brain stem to punish him.
BENSON That's obscene. This culture of life will stop at nothing, not even rigor mortis.
INSPECTOR TWIG Who do you think you are? Life doesn't just end because you say it does. You've got to leave that to a higher authority.
BENSON Talk show hosts?
INSPECTOR TWIG No, God. As interpreted by talk show hosts.
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